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The world hates a cheater, right? Well, the world hates a loser even more. If you can win fair and square, great; the grandkids will be proud of you someday. But remember what you learned in fifth grade: Copy off the smart girl’s test and you’ll pass every time. And that little cheat never hurt anyone. Now you’re all grown up, but there are still obstacles to your pursuit of happiness. While we’d never advocate rampant fraudulence, we’re human enough to appreciate the occasional advantage, freebie, or bogus urine sample. So don’t think of our little Cheater’s Guide as a way to cut corners so much as a way to round them a little bit.

Cheat…A lie-detector test
You know you aren’t lying, but the cops don’t.
A lie detector doesn’t catch lies; it checks your reaction to questions designed to make you nervous. “It’s a psychological billy club to coerce the scared and ignorant,” says Doug Williams, former head of polygraph for the Oklahoma City Police and author of How to Sting a Polygraph. To understand it, you need to know the difference between relevant and control questions. Relevant questions pertain to the issue at hand: “Did you give the disk to the Chinese?” Control questions are just used to establish a normal baseline response: “Have you eaten bacon?” All those straps and wires monitor you for erratic breathing patterns, increased blood pressure, sweaty palms, etc. If you have a reaction to any of the relevant questions, and not the control ones, you’re lying. If your reaction stays the same, you’re telling the truth.

To trick the machine, you need to artificially raise your blood pressure. When you’re asked a control question, tighten your sphincter like you’re preparing for a long prison stay. Then, when you’re asked a relevant question, relax your body and breathe normally, and the machine won’t make a peep. If you don’t think you can pull that off, put a tack in your shoe and step on it during questions. Williams advises against it (ever heard of tetanus?), but this’ll raise your blood pressure and throw off the machine. The test will be inconclusive, and you can limp away free (trailing drops of blood).

Cheat…Your company
You gave at the office. Now take some back.
Got a buddy who fell for a stuck–up British exchange student? Do your yearly good deed by helping them keep in touch, while your company picks up the long–distance tab. Call the love–struck schmuck from work, put him on hold, then call his crook–toothed chippy in England, and conference ’em together. Hit hold and they can chat all day—with soothing musical accompaniment. If you get the chance to leave your desk for a meal on the company’s tab, tack a phantom $10 tip on your expense report (accounting won’t notice it). On a business trip in a city that doesn’t have date–stamped printout taxi receipts? Grease a cabby’s palm with a sawbuck and ask for a handful of receipts in return. That night at the brothel, mark each slip as a different destination, and one day you might be able to buy your shirt back.

Cheat…A nightclub
If you blow your wad at the door, you won’t have any left to buy daiquiris for that cute redhead at the bar.
The best way to get past the steroid–inflated doorman is to make him think you were already inside the club. An hour or so before your group’s ready to go out, send a scout to check out the local hot spot. Tell him to take note of the following: If they use a hand stamp, find out the color, shape, and location. Make the appropriate mark on your hand with a Sharpie pen and smear it around. If they have a lamp, put a small amount of liquid Tide detergent on your hand and rub it around a bit. It’ll make a nice fluorescent smudge, visible only under a black light. If you need a wristband, you can buy an assortment of colored ones from www.wristband.com or www.pchopper.com. Have your scout tell you what color to wear. Since many of these companies only sell wristbands in bulk, hawk the extras on the street outside the club for $5 apiece.

Cheat…A traffic cop
You’re already paying too many car expenses—tickets shouldn’t be one of them.
If your ride’s been snagged for parking in the wrong place (those ambulance drivers are a pissy bunch, aren’t they?), simply scout around for a nearby car of the same make and stick your ticket on its windshield. The owner of that car will either pay it for you (no one ever reads tickets closely), or you can believably plead ignorance when you get the phone call from the station.

The best way to cheat a speeding ticket is not to get one in the first place. We interrogated a St. Paul, Minnesota, traffic cop so you never have to see those flashing lights in your rearview mirror ever again:
1. Drive in the middle lane. Radar guns have a difficult time gauging your speed whenever you’re coasting between two cars. And avoid the left lane at all costs.
2. Don’t be fooled by cops pulled over with lights flashing. While you speed by assuming they’ve already stopped some sorry bastard, they’re ready to chase you down.
3. Beware of exit ramps, overhead passes, and parking lots—that’s where cops love to hide.
4. If you get pulled over, use an excuse like explosive diarrhea or food poisoning. If a woman’s in the car, get her to activate her PMS powers (most can summon ‘em at will). You might catch a cop who’ll relate to spastic bowels or a raging wife and let you skate with a warning.

Cheat…A drug test
It’s not your fault your friends smoke so much pot.
One day your buddy breaks out his nitrogen–cooled hookah and packs a bowl of fresh greens. Of course you don’t inhale—you’re a Canadian snowboarder and just happen to be in the room. A week later you’re tested and your medal gets yanked. Yeah, we think it’s a little harsh, too.

“In a job situation, people should be judged on their skills,” says the president of Test Clear (www.testclear.com), who specializes in beating drug tests. “If someone’s strung–out and can’t get their work done, then it’s obvious they’ll be fired anyway.” Most drugs aren’t a concern: Cocaine burns through your system (and your wallet) in a matter of days; ecstasy, acid, and ’shrooms require expensive tests. And if you’re hooked on heroin, how do you still have a job? By a cruel twist of fate, pot is the hardest to beat. Herb is fat–soluble, so it stays in your system for a month—but we’ve got a time line to help. Happy peeing!


Got a few weeks? Time to flush. Hit the vitamin store for some Detox Tea; drink four to six cups a day. Grab some echinacea and goldenseal root, which basically strip–mine your body, and take 700 mg of each four times a day (our doc says it’ll “make you shit your brains out”). Pop 2,000 mg of vitamin C to keep your body healthy. The day before the test, drink a quart of white vinegar (you can dilute it, but get the whole quart down). It’ll burn the hell out of your stomach, but it’s the ideal way to throw off your test’s pH levels.

Got a week? Test Clear offers “powdered urine” ($40). A clean specimen (just add water!), it comes with a heater so you don’t tip ’em off with a chilly sample. Imagine their surprise when they discover you’re pregnant!

Only got an hour? Try Test Clear’s Ready Clean ($30), a drink mix that minimizes your body’s toxins for three to five hours. The drawback is it could dilute your urine completely, rendering the test inconclusive, meaning you’ll be asked to take it again. But by then, you’ll have enough powdered urine to open a lemonade stand.

Cheat…At Pool
Yelling “That girl’s frickin’ hot!” only works once.
If you’re low on cash but crave beer all night (yeah, we have the same problem), playing for brews at the pool table’s often the best solution. But if you wanna run the table and get dysfunctionally plowed in the process, you’re gonna need some assistance.

1. Chalk talk After tipping your own cue, slyly dip your finger in your beer and rub it in the chalk before handing it to your opponent. Chapstick will work even better. It will slick the other guy’s tip just enough to mess up his breaks and angle shots, leaving you free to rule the felt with a waxy fist.

2. Rack ’em up When you rack the balls for your opponent, be sure to leave a few gaps between the balls. “If the balls aren’t touching each other when racked, they won’t go too far from the breaking point,” says Scott Crawford, a New York City pool–hall manager. This gives you a chance to set the stage for the entire game.

3. Get some space If you want to knock a rail–hugging ball free, pretend like you’re lining up a shot elsewhere and gently tap the ball with the butt of your cue stick. If you’re afraid someone will notice, simply bump against the edge of the table to bounce it free. If your opponent says anything, act as if you’ve had too much to drink from all the free beers you’ve been winning.

Cheat…The cable company
Free porn is the God–given right of every American.
You really want all the premium channels for free, but you don’t want to come across as a corner–cutting dirt bag. First you gotta play it cool. “Feel the cable guy out very carefully,” advise the experts at Netcheats.com, a Web site dedicated to cheating at everything. Look for the guys who appear casual or sloppy. “Being a slob is a good sign. It means the guy is probably lazy and therefore more prone to cheating the system.” Avoid open bribery; subtle actions are best. Try leaving $40 on the TV, or hint that you’d prefer to pay him “rather than just some faceless corporation” since he’s doing all the hard work.

If you want to get a month for free, call and say your cable’s out. Since they have to fix the problem in person, they’ll have to schedule an appointment and put a credit on your account. Now, just keep canceling appointments—out of town, death in the family—for as long as you’d like. Then fray the wire outside and let ’em come over and fix it.

Cheat…At blackjack
Put the house down for the count.
Besides bribing a pit boss, counting cards is really the only way to screw the house. While this gives you only a slight advantage (which decreases with multiple decks), it does tip you off as to when you’re more likely to win or lose, allowing you to bet a little less moronically. First you need to learn the game. Would you hit on 16 when the dealer’s showing a 6? If you said yes, then please go buy a book on blackjack. If you said no, continue. You’re going to keep one number in your head. Start from zero with a new deck and modify it for every card dealt. Cards 2 through 6, add one. 10 and up, subtract one. Ignore 7 through 9. Whenever the number in your head is positive, bet bigger than normal—the rest of the deck’s full of high cards, which is marginally worse for the always–hitting–on–16 dealer. If it’s negative, bet the table minimum for the opposite reason. Start with the number in your head for the next round, but begin at zero when the deck’s reshuffled. Don’t vary bets too widely: If you jump from $5 to $75 a bet, Moose and Rocco will come split your knuckles for you.

Cheat…fast food
Did somebody say McDouble–cross?
The easiest place to McCheat is at the drive–thru. After you pick up your food at the window, pull into a parking spot, take a sandwich out of the bag, and leave it in your car. Then walk inside the restaurant and tell the counter jockey they forgot to include one of your sandwiches. “The drive–thru people and the counter people are usually completely different,” admits former Mickey D’s assistant manager Mark Gunther. “And even if you get the same person, they won’t remember what they gave you.” They’ll just hand you another burger to get you out of their face.

Cheat…At Foosball
Come on—it’s soccer, and it’s little plastic men. So does it really matter if you get an unfair advantage?
Since you’ve got access to your opponent’s nonhandled ends and most of your competitors are customarily hammered, it’s almost too easy. The simplest strategy is to keep his mind off the ball. “Any type of distraction, any sudden motion to draw the opponent’s eyes away from the table, will gain you a temporary advantage,” says Hugh Wintin, tournament director and spokesman for the American Foosball Association, who also vehemently stated that this type of activity is illegal in tournaments. We suggest partnering with a massively bosomed cheerleader who bounces up and down next to you throughout the game. (Come to think of it, that’s really not a bad idea for just about any endeavor.) When your opponent’s gotten over that distraction, wait until the ball’s deep inside your territory, or when he’s not manning his defense for just a moment, and gently turn his last bar until his goalie’s horizontal. You shoot…you score!

Cheat…A multiplex
Let’s go to the lobby and get ourselves free shit…
You should never have to face the shame of missing the big summer blockbuster on opening night. If it’s sold out, just do the old buy–tickets–for–one–show–and–walk–into–another trick. If the multiplex has cleverly stationed an usher outside the theater door to check ticket stubs, try loading up with popcorn and soda. When he asks to see your stub, act like you’re fumbling to find your elusive ticket and he’ll let your clumsy ass walk right in.

The movie turned out to be crap? “It’s always easy to get your money back,” Loews Theater employee Ryan Rossy tells us. “Just go up to the manager immediately afterward. Complain about the conditions of the theater, which are always horrible anyway (it was too cold; it smelled of vomit and made you sick), and 99 percent of the time they’ll give you free passes or a refund.” Next time, believe us about Jim Carrey.

Cheat…Your future employer
Score the dream job you don’t deserve.
Provided you charmed your way through the interview, all it takes is a little preparation to close the deal. Get a voice–mail box and have a female friend record a message pretending she’s the HR manager of a made–up company. Keep the message simple: “Hello, you’ve reached human resources at Lightning Media. Please leave a detailed message and we’ll get right back to you.” Have your friend return the call, sing your praises, and confirm your past salary. (“We paid him in fistfuls of diamonds.”) Weirder things have happened: Maxim Online hired a hacker as a systems administrator without checking any of his fictitious references.