Step 1: Don’t fudge your packing
Resilient pests like cockroaches and Danny Bonaduce won’t be the only ones to survive an atomic apocalypse. But to have a shot, you need to prepack some gear in a handy duffel bag. “I call it a bug-out kit,” says Bruce Beach, author of You Will Survive Doomsday. “Aluminum knives, candles, small sewing kits, comfortable shoes—a wide variety of things.” (For more info, go to ki4u.com/products1.htm.) Make sure to bring a shortwave radio with a small antenna, a rechargeable dosimeter for radiation detection, and potassium iodide pills to combat radiation. A sad fact: Since mobility is key, you’ll have to leave behind your collection of Girls Gone Wild videos.

Step 2: Duck!
Short of squatting at Fort Bragg, living in a major city is the surest way to end up extra crispy. But if you refuse to run for the hills every time Saddam Hussein sneezes, there are ways to up your chances for survival. First off, avert your eyes from the blast and find shelter. If you can’t get inside or underground, hit the deck and stay down for several minutes to let the blast wave pass. Afterward, find permanent shelter, like an underground parking garage with multiple exits and good ventilation. Amuse yourself by keying Lexuses.

Step 3: Adapt and adopt
Whether it’s caused by missile attacks or a “dirty” bomb smuggled in by a terrorist nutjob, fallout is one of the most serious postblast risks you’ll face. Dust, water vapor, ICBMs—they can all carry invisible but deadly radioactive isotopes through the air. If you find yourself downwind of the blast, move away quickly while covering as much of your slowly mutating body as possible to keep dust out. To help deal with the emotional and mental shock of nuclear holocaust (they may even—you’ll want to sit down for this—cancel the Super Bowl), surround yourself with people you trust. Trust supermodels.

Step 4: Survive
When your supply of Spam starts running low, find alternate food sources. Beach says you’ll need three basic skills: food preparation (a barbecue), food preservation (a book on jerky), and gardening (a female companion). If you’re stuck in an urban area, scrounge for food that’s been sealed or has a natural covering—oranges, bananas, buckets of fried chicken—and rinse it to wash off any fallout. Gather your companions and make your way toward an agricultural area ASAP. Now all you have to do is establish a free-love commune and set about repopulating the planet.