Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like a heel. well here are a few excuses for when you meet the people you were with the other night when you were drunk. feel free to add some of your own.


YOU’RE NOT A BIG FAT HOG, YOU HAVE…
Lardophilia
Symptoms: Steadily increasing difficulty in securing one’s trousers without an elaborate pulley system and three roadies. In extreme cases, sufferer may begin smelling like a burger to those around him/her.
Treatment: Drink plenty of fluids—preferably beer. Relax, pal. You’re fat…and drunk! Burp…

YOU’RE NOT A PERVERT, YOU HAVE…
Acute mammomania
Symptoms: Uncontrollable impulse to psychotically lock eyes on any rack that bounces back your radar. Sufferers risk prosecution and drinks in the face.
Treatment: Blindfolds or bodyguards. If these episodes are allowed to continue without treatment, they can often lead to involuntary rapid testicle compression and a sock in the jaw for good measure.

YOU’RE NOT A MISOGYNIST, YOU HAVE…
Yakyakyakophobia
Symptoms: A conditioned response to incessant, mindless “girl talk”, this results in fidgeting, blank stares, and absent-minded humming.
Treatment: Headphones with Rancid played at maximum volume; a hitch in the Foreign Legion.

YOU’RE NOT A REMOTE FREAK, YOU HAVE…
Telaversions
Symptoms: Acute loathing of the Lifetime network and Meg Ryan. If unchecked, could result in permanent fear of marital condition and advanced Oprahphobia.
Treatment: If inadvertent exposure to offending programming occurs, schedule emergency Girls Gone Wild marathon with at least three qualified members of your poker game. Recommended aftercare includes channel blockers, precisely selective online dating, and TiVo.