Has cable TV let you down once again? Heres a few suggestions for you.

Someone once wrote something to the effect that only boring people get bored. We here at Maxim find this statement not only, well, boring, but also patently untrue. Sure, the world is filled with interesting people to meet, great literature to read, fascinating places to visit, and challenging work to do, but that’s just not good enough, is it? The fact is, everyone finds themselves bored to death at some point in their lives: kings, rock stars, monster-truck drivers, pianny players at Old West theme parks, Oscar-winning actors, the guys who come up with new Slurpee flavors—even supermodels (and remember, they can look at themselves naked anytime they want).

The solution? Get a hobby.

Hahahahaha! Seriously, here’s what to do: Whenever ennui has you by the short ones, choose an activity from among the following, perform it immediately, and watch that world-weary little frown turn upside down!

In a crowded bar, casually observe the televised weather forecast. When they show the high- and low-pressure systems working their way across the country, start shaking, stand up, point to the screen, and shriek, “Run for your lives! There’s a giant H about to land on the city!” Flee the bar.

Invent an imaginary friend. Call her Heidi. Let nature take its course.

In the middle of the night, noisily bury a fully dressed mannequin in your backyard. Arrange lawn furniture on the fresh mound and sit down in it quickly when the police arrive.

Confide with weary resignation to a stranger, “My blessing, my curse, is an ability to see farts before others can hear or smell them.” Pause, then, eyes wide, focus on a nearby butt and shout, “Incoming!” Pull the startled stranger to the floor.

Attend an AA meeting. When you’re called on, say, “Well, I personally don’t have any trouble holding my booze. But the last time my car broke down, it took forever to get a tow truck! I mean, what are we paying dues for, if that’s the kind of service we get?”

On a busy street corner, set up a table on which is a heavy jar half full of change. Put up a sign that says if you need change, take some. if you can afford to help the homeless, give some. Make sure the mouth of the jar is slightly too small for a hand to fit into.

Put on a white smock and find a ruler and a clipboard. Go to a mall and spend the afternoon asking strangers to let you measure parts of them.

Learn the words to at least one hard-core gangsta rap song. Change the melody to that of an Irish folk ballad and sing it under your breath in a crowded elevator.

Print official-looking contracts that say: i, the undersigned, agree to sell my soul to the devil. Offer people $10 to sign them. If no one will sign an official-looking contract, present them with one in crayon.

Go down to the street and invite strangers over to your place to see your butter carvings of the Virgin Mary. Scream when you find a plate of melted butter on the stovetop. Begin weeping and softly begging the ceiling for forgiveness.

Call a library telephone reference service and beg them to help you figure out how many heads it would take to fill Yankee Stadium. When you’ve found someone game enough to do it, and they’ve done their laborious calculations, say, “Thank you. Now, that is in rabbit heads, isn’t it?”

Commit a crime, then go to the police station and volunteer to stand in criminal lineups. Even if your victim picks you out, you get off scot-free!

Starve your cat for three days. Put its bowl in the middle of the kitchen floor, and around it paint successively larger circles marked 5, 10, 15, and 25. See how far the hungry beast can push its little dish.

Go to a local school and say you need to see your son, John Smith. When they send in some confused child, explode at the school secretary, saying, “What have you monsters done with my son? When my lawyer gets through with you, I’ll own Brown Elementary School!” When someone tells you you’re in the wrong school, look confused, pretend to become a chicken, and flap out of the building, squawking.

Spend 10 minutes talking directly into a corner mailbox. Be sure people hear you apologizing profusely, promising to be good from now on, and calling the box “Babycakes.”

Get a Medic Alert bracelet that reads frequently requires oral-genital resuscitation. Then go to a hospital and pass out in front of a cute nurse.

Wear a cheese head constantly for an entire week. Whenever someone comes up and says, “Go, Packers!” look at him like you don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

Get an expensive pearl-inlaid, two-piece pool cue and head down to the poolroom, dressed like a pimp. Act cocky and ridicule every shot made by the reigning champ. When he challenges you, say, “You’re on, asshole!” Spend the next 15 minutes perplexedly trying to figure out how to connect the two pieces, then make up a stupid excuse and run away.

Purchase a shopping cart full of groceries, and when the bagger asks, “Paper or plastic?” see how long you can hold up the line making up your mind. Then get flustered and try to carry the whole cartful in your arms.

Tail a stranger for two hours while discreetly talking into the flower on your lapel.

Go to a hospital. When a surgeon comes out of a successful transplant procedure, pour a big bucket of icy Gatorade over his head.

In the bathroom at work, utter loud, pain-racked screams that carry from your stall clear to your coworkers’ desks. Emerge from the john holding a large hen’s egg. Leave it sitting on your desk all day, then take it home and hard-boil it. Eat it in front of everyone the next day. Repeat until fired.

Wear an eye patch to a hit comedy movie. In the middle of a huge laugh, whip a large marble at the screen while shrieking, “My glass eye! Help! My glass eye popped out!” After they stop the movie and some do-gooder retrieves the marble for you, peer at it with your “one” eye and say, “That’s a marble, you idiot.”

Try to wear a suit of armor through a metal detector.

Fill an inflate-a-date with helium and release it at rush hour on a windy day. Chase it down the street, yelling, “Come back here, you tramp!”

Ask strangers if they have change for a nickel.

Show up at a DNA paternity testing service. (They’re listed in the yellow pages.) Insist on confidentiality; they’ll reassure you. Bring a blood sample from the family pet.

Get a video camera and microphone and chase a local TV news crew around. Interrupt on-the-scene shots by shouting questions like “Who’s your favorite Beatle?”

Go to the lost and found of your city’s mass transit system. Dig out and claim stuff like false teeth and artificial limbs. Proceed to a public swimming pool or fountain and toss them in.

Call National Acme Company. Ask if they have any products you could use to kill a roadrunner.

Fly around the world with one of those big foam rubber we’re #1! hands and have pictures taken of you using it to pick the noses of the Sphinx, Michelangelo’s David, Jefferson on Mount Rushmore, etc.

At an art museum, pretend to be blind (big dark glasses, long white cane) and fondle all the sculptures. Tilt your head quizzically whenever you touch marble genitalia, then give a cry of delighted surprise.

Train all the squirrels in the park to do your fiendish bidding.

Set a Slinky “walking” down an up escalator in any large department store.

Start signing all your checks and official documents with a shaky-looking X. See if it makes any difference at all.

Have bright green eyes tattooed on your eyelids.

Get one of those bobble-head dolls and construct a little neck brace for it.

Trace your hand with middle finger raised 15 times on a piece of cardboard and cut out the hands. Leave them lying all over your body while you tan at the beach. Remove them, wait 15 minutes, walk down the beach, look at yourself, and shout, “Oh, no…not again!”

See how many miles your car will go with the gas gauge on E. Then do it again, only this time remember to bring a gas can.

Drink a serving of Gainers Fuel 2,500 weight enhancer and a can of Ultra Slim-Fast and let them duke it out in your intestines.

Trim the moldy bottom edge of your shower curtain with a weedwacker.

Before your next party, squeeze little balls of toothpaste onto a silver dish; let them dry and tell guests they’re homemade after-dinner mints.

Wash out a gas can and punch a hole in it, then fill it with water and carry it down a busy lunch-hour sidewalk while smoking the biggest cigar you can find.

Rush yourself to the ER and explain to the night nurse you were resting on your leg for a long time and now it feels like pins and needles. Ask if they’ll have to amputate.

Go to a planetarium. Wait until the presentation is halfway through, stand up, and shout, “No! No! They’ve got it all wrong. That’s not how I did it at all!”

Learn how to play the opening bars of “Piano Man” on the harmonica. Play them over and over at your desk at work, as if struggling to get them just right.

Go to the local police station and tell the desk officer that a dog told you bad things were going to happen today and they should be prepared.

Rearrange the letters on the marquee outside an elementary school so they spell we eat children!

Vote for a pro wrestler for governor.





BE PREPARED




Boredom can strike anywhere, anytime. Here’s what to do.

On the bus: Before sitting down, place a newspaper on the seat. At least once a minute, stand up and turn a page. Sit down again.

In the mall: Stop by Victoria’s Secret and ask to see “something frilly, playful, girlish, you know? But something with the kind of access that allows for instant passion.” When the clerk finds you a real heartstopper, thank her and say, “Now, which way to your fitting rooms?”

On a tour of Pennsylvania Dutch country: Ask an Amish man for his autograph. If he refuses, say, “But aren’t you that guy from ZZ Top?” When he says no, say, “Never mind…there he is” and head for another Amish man.

At the zoo: Stand outside the polar bear enclosure and shout, “C’mon, Larry, enough’s enough! Take off that costume and come back to the office.”

During a church bingo evening: Shout “Pingo!” or “Dingo!” at an arbitrary point in each game. When the other players get mad, patiently explain that it’s really their mistake.

At the airport: When boarding the plane, confide to the captain that you’re a former air force pilot and it’s been years since you sat in a cockpit. If he lets you take the chair, make extremely loud, childish vroom-vroom noises until he throws you out.

While baby-sitting: Teach the little tyke to play chess, then beat him mercilessly over and over. Don’t forget to taunt.

At the bookstore: Write your name and phone number inside any books labeled erotica for women.

At Burger King: When you get up to the counter, ask for directions to another Burger King. Smile vacantly when they try to explain that all Burger Kings serve the same food. Then insist on those directions again.

In the bathroom: Shave your sideburns so they form quotation marks.







FUN WITH PHONES




For a good time, call the following—and keep calling.

Yeah, yeah, we know: The Telephone Is Not a Toy. On the other hand, it’s a damned easy way to amuse yourself when you’re too bored to get up off your ass, put on clothes that match, and find something useful to do. So get that index finger limbered up!

* Call an escort service and ask for two hours with the best girl; make it clear that if there’s time left over, you want her to spend it cleaning your bathroom. If they say their girls don’t do that, start a philosophical argument about why a girl who’d have sex for money would feel that scrubbing a toilet is beneath her.

* Call a tobacconist and say, “Hi. This is Prince Albert. Any calls for me while I was in the can?”

* Call an undertaker and ask, “Hypothetically, how long could a body buried in a basement go undetected before neighbors picked up the stink?”

* Call the Q-Tips 800 number and say that one of the cotton swab parts just came off in your ear. When they reply, keep shouting, “What? What?! What did you say?”

* Call a newspaper or magazine’s personal ad department and leave messages for women who say they’re looking for “generous” or “financially stable” men. Explain in a British accent that you are a wealthy investor with a slight heart condition and a private jet, and that you’re in search of a traveling companion. Leave the phone number of a local homeless shelter or mental hospital.

* Call your high school English teacher, now in her 70s, and confess that you’ve burned with desire for her since you were 15 and want to start a phone sex relationship. If she says no, say, “Well, would you know the number for Mr. Pyle, the wood shop teacher?”

* Call a crime hotline and tell the cops you saw your neighbor wearing a T-shirt that reads property of new york mets.

* Call a poison control center. Say you just ate a whole container of Tic Tacs and you feel “all minty” inside.

* Call the fencing coach at a major university. Ask what’s best for keeping your beagle in the yard.

* Call an addiction hotline and explain that you’re hooked on phonics.